America -the Best Country in the Nation

Cookie:  What’s an election?

Me: That’s when everybody picks their leaders.  Everyone gets one vote, and the person with the most votes wins.

Cookie:  Why do people do that?

Me: It’s a democracy, Cookie.  This way everyone gets a say in how they want their government to work by voting for the person they like.

Cookie:  Ok.  So who do you like, Daddy?

Me:  Well…  nobody.  I’m probably going to vote for whomever I dislike the least.

Cookie:  So democracy is people voting for people they don’t hate?

Me:  …



Happy Father’s Day to Me

Cookie:  I have to go to the bathroom.

Me: After we’re done ordering.

Cookie:  Can you take me please?

Me: But .. ok.


Cookie: Carry my backpack please.


Cookie: I don’t want to use my scooter anymore.  Can you carry it?


Cookie:  I’m tired.  Can you carry me?

Me: But…

Cookie: Please?

Me:  Ok.


Cookie: I want Daddy to give me a bath tonight.


Cookie:  Daaaaaaady!  I finished pooping.  Come and wipe my butt please.

Me:  It’s Father’ Day.  Shouldn’t I get a rest?  Can’t Mommy do it?

Cookie:  But it’s Father’s Day!  I want Daddy to do it.

Me: [word deleted]… Ok.


And a happy Father’s Day it was.  I can’t move today (why do you never get tired or asked to be carried when you walk with just Mommy?), but I wouldn’t change a thing.

5 Going on 15

Some subway trains smell more than others in New York.  However, the subway is often the most convenient way to get across the city, especially when the streets are clogged.  Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t usually help the mood of the people jammed into the train like sardines.

Cookie:  The chemical smell in this train is making me really edgy.

Me too, Cookie.  Me too.

Slogan Time, Mommy!

Mommy and I are both sick from something you gave us last week: coughing, sneezing, mucousy, gross.  Mommy is incapacitated on the couch.

Mommy:  Cookie, can you hand me a tissue, please?

You look around and don’t see a tissue box.  Instead, you snag an used tissue from the pile Mommy placed on the coffee table.

Mommy:  Cookie, can you get me a new tissue?

Cookie:  Reduce.  Reuse.  Recycle.

The Day You Realize Your Kid Is Smarter Than You

Cookie: Mommy, I figured out what the “x” means.

Mommy: Oh?

Cookie: Remember when you said you’d teach me multiplication?

Mommy: Yeah, after you’re better with your addition.

Cookie: I figured it out.

Mommy: Oh really?  Are you sure? What’s 2 times 2?

Cookie: 4.

Me:  That’s the same as addition.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 2?

Cookie: 6.

Mommy: What’s 4 times 2?

Cookie: 8.

Mommy: What’s 5 times 2?

Cookie: 10.

Mommy: What’s 6 times 2?

Cookie:  I need to borrow your fingers.  No, wait. 12.

Me: Mommy, you’re just going up by 2.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 3?

Cookie: 9.

Mommy: Whats 3 times 10?

Cookie: 30, and 4 times 10 is 40, and 5 times 10 is 50, and 6 times 10 is 60, and 7 times  10 is 70, and 8 times 10 is 80, and 9 times 10 is 90, and 10 times 10 is one HUNDREDDDDDDD!

Mommy: Who taught you?  Did you learn this in school?

-Side note:  the Pre-k 4 you’re attending is really glorified daycare, where the only things they’re actually teaching are how to raise your hand and how to stand in line: so, no.

Cookie shaking her head: I figured it out myself.

Crap.  Now what am I supposed to do with you, Cookie?

Operational Sequencing – Consequences

Cookie:  Mommy, my butt itches.  I think it’s dry.

Mommy: Ok.  Let me get the lotion.


A short while and several globs of lotion later:

Cookie: Mommy, next time put lotion on my butt last.

Mommy: Why?  You said your butt was dry, so I did it first.

Cookie: I know, but now I have butt lotion on my face.

Cookie:  Mommy, where’s my goodnight kiss?

A Lesson in Marketing

Cookie:  BLEH!

Me: Hmmm?  What happened?

Cookie: YUCK!

Mommy: You don’t like your Frozen mouthwash?

Cookie:  Bleeeeeeeeeeh!  No!

Mommy:  But didn’t you insist on me buying the Frozen mouthwash over your favorite bubble gum one, even though your favorite was on sale and this one was more expensive?

Cookie nodding sorrowfully: Yeah.

Me:  Do you think a picture of Elsa on the label has anything to do with how it tastes?

Cookie: No.

Mommy: Will you listen to me next time and not to silly marketing?

Cookie: Yes.

Mommy:  I guess that was $8 well spent.