The Day You Realize Your Kid Is Smarter Than You

Cookie: Mommy, I figured out what the “x” means.

Mommy: Oh?

Cookie: Remember when you said you’d teach me multiplication?

Mommy: Yeah, after you’re better with your addition.

Cookie: I figured it out.

Mommy: Oh really?  Are you sure? What’s 2 times 2?

Cookie: 4.

Me:  That’s the same as addition.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 2?

Cookie: 6.

Mommy: What’s 4 times 2?

Cookie: 8.

Mommy: What’s 5 times 2?

Cookie: 10.

Mommy: What’s 6 times 2?

Cookie:  I need to borrow your fingers.  No, wait. 12.

Me: Mommy, you’re just going up by 2.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 3?

Cookie: 9.

Mommy: Whats 3 times 10?

Cookie: 30, and 4 times 10 is 40, and 5 times 10 is 50, and 6 times 10 is 60, and 7 times  10 is 70, and 8 times 10 is 80, and 9 times 10 is 90, and 10 times 10 is one HUNDREDDDDDDD!

Mommy: Who taught you?  Did you learn this in school?

-Side note:  the Pre-k 4 you’re attending is really glorified daycare, where the only things they’re actually teaching are how to raise your hand and how to stand in line: so, no.

Cookie shaking her head: I figured it out myself.

Crap.  Now what am I supposed to do with you, Cookie?

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Operational Sequencing – Consequences

Cookie:  Mommy, my butt itches.  I think it’s dry.

Mommy: Ok.  Let me get the lotion.

 

A short while and several globs of lotion later:

Cookie: Mommy, next time put lotion on my butt last.

Mommy: Why?  You said your butt was dry, so I did it first.

Cookie: I know, but now I have butt lotion on my face.

Cookie:  Mommy, where’s my goodnight kiss?

A Lesson in Marketing

Cookie:  BLEH!

Me: Hmmm?  What happened?

Cookie: YUCK!

Mommy: You don’t like your Frozen mouthwash?

Cookie:  Bleeeeeeeeeeh!  No!

Mommy:  But didn’t you insist on me buying the Frozen mouthwash over your favorite bubble gum one, even though your favorite was on sale and this one was more expensive?

Cookie nodding sorrowfully: Yeah.

Me:  Do you think a picture of Elsa on the label has anything to do with how it tastes?

Cookie: No.

Mommy: Will you listen to me next time and not to silly marketing?

Cookie: Yes.

Mommy:  I guess that was $8 well spent.

Yuletide Exuberance

Cookie in the elevator: It’s one day until Christmas Eve!

The random woman in the elevator smiles.

Ding.

A random man enters.

Cookie: Hello!  Do you know that it’s one day until Christmas Eve?

Random man: Yes it is.  Are you excited for Christmas?

Cookie nods furiously: Yep!  I can’t wait.

A short while later:

Cookie shouting while walking down the street:  IT’S ONE DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE!

Yep.  Someone’s excited.

The Dangers of Toddlers Reading

Cookie:  Daddy, why does the cup that I use to brush my teeth say, “Killian’s Irish Red?”

Me: [Because drinking.]

Oh good, the internal dad filter is working today.

Me: [Because sake bombs tricks are fun to try.]

Nope.  Swing and a miss.

Me: [Because  double shot glasses (plastic, of course) are the perfect size for toddlers.]

Better, but I don’t want to answer what double shots are.

Me: Look, Cookie, don’t you like the horsey on the cup?

At least toddlers have the attention span of …. SQUIRREL!