The Day You Realize Your Kid Is Smarter Than You

Cookie: Mommy, I figured out what the “x” means.

Mommy: Oh?

Cookie: Remember when you said you’d teach me multiplication?

Mommy: Yeah, after you’re better with your addition.

Cookie: I figured it out.

Mommy: Oh really?  Are you sure? What’s 2 times 2?

Cookie: 4.

Me:  That’s the same as addition.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 2?

Cookie: 6.

Mommy: What’s 4 times 2?

Cookie: 8.

Mommy: What’s 5 times 2?

Cookie: 10.

Mommy: What’s 6 times 2?

Cookie:  I need to borrow your fingers.  No, wait. 12.

Me: Mommy, you’re just going up by 2.

Mommy: What’s 3 times 3?

Cookie: 9.

Mommy: Whats 3 times 10?

Cookie: 30, and 4 times 10 is 40, and 5 times 10 is 50, and 6 times 10 is 60, and 7 times  10 is 70, and 8 times 10 is 80, and 9 times 10 is 90, and 10 times 10 is one HUNDREDDDDDDD!

Mommy: Who taught you?  Did you learn this in school?

-Side note:  the Pre-k 4 you’re attending is really glorified daycare, where the only things they’re actually teaching are how to raise your hand and how to stand in line: so, no.

Cookie shaking her head: I figured it out myself.

Crap.  Now what am I supposed to do with you, Cookie?

Operational Sequencing – Consequences

Cookie:  Mommy, my butt itches.  I think it’s dry.

Mommy: Ok.  Let me get the lotion.

 

A short while and several globs of lotion later:

Cookie: Mommy, next time put lotion on my butt last.

Mommy: Why?  You said your butt was dry, so I did it first.

Cookie: I know, but now I have butt lotion on my face.

Cookie:  Mommy, where’s my goodnight kiss?

A Lesson in Marketing

Cookie:  BLEH!

Me: Hmmm?  What happened?

Cookie: YUCK!

Mommy: You don’t like your Frozen mouthwash?

Cookie:  Bleeeeeeeeeeh!  No!

Mommy:  But didn’t you insist on me buying the Frozen mouthwash over your favorite bubble gum one, even though your favorite was on sale and this one was more expensive?

Cookie nodding sorrowfully: Yeah.

Me:  Do you think a picture of Elsa on the label has anything to do with how it tastes?

Cookie: No.

Mommy: Will you listen to me next time and not to silly marketing?

Cookie: Yes.

Mommy:  I guess that was $8 well spent.

Yuletide Exuberance

Cookie in the elevator: It’s one day until Christmas Eve!

The random woman in the elevator smiles.

Ding.

A random man enters.

Cookie: Hello!  Do you know that it’s one day until Christmas Eve?

Random man: Yes it is.  Are you excited for Christmas?

Cookie nods furiously: Yep!  I can’t wait.

A short while later:

Cookie shouting while walking down the street:  IT’S ONE DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE!

Yep.  Someone’s excited.

The Dangers of Toddlers Reading

Cookie:  Daddy, why does the cup that I use to brush my teeth say, “Killian’s Irish Red?”

Me: [Because drinking.]

Oh good, the internal dad filter is working today.

Me: [Because sake bombs tricks are fun to try.]

Nope.  Swing and a miss.

Me: [Because  double shot glasses (plastic, of course) are the perfect size for toddlers.]

Better, but I don’t want to answer what double shots are.

Me: Look, Cookie, don’t you like the horsey on the cup?

At least toddlers have the attention span of …. SQUIRREL!

Shaming by Toddlers – The Cure for Societal Ills

Ever been embarrassed by the unfettered and brutal truth from the mouth of a toddler?  With a fresh perspective and no inhibitions, toddlers can say whatever they want, and no adult can really deny a toddler telling the truth without digging themselves into a bigger hole.  What if we could harness that power to better society?

Cookie speaking too loudly, as usual:  I smell gas!

Me: No, that’s not gas.

Cookie:  But it’s a bad chemical smell.

Me:  There is something  floating around, but it’s not gas.

Cookie speaking loud enough for the entire street to hear:  It’s bad perfume!

Cookie pointing at the man in front of us:  It’s him!  It’s coming from him!

Me:  Shhh, Cookie.  Not so loud.  And it’s cologne, Cookie.  When men wear a fragrance, it’s called cologne.

When we caught up to the poor guy at the stop light, his face was beet red.  Everyone else around us tried unsuccessfully to hide their grins.  I’m guessing he’s not going to bathe himself in that bad drugstore musk in the future.

Stand Up

Cookie,

When you’re older, you’ll learn that Muslims are people worship God a little bit differently than we Christians do, and because a handful of Muslims did some very bad things, lots of other people want to treat Muslims badly.  In your four year-old mind, you’d call this “bullying.”  Unfortunately, as you get older, you’ll learn about “discrimination,” “bigotry,” “fear-mongering,” and “hysteria.”

This is the sad part of human nature, Cookie.  The human mind wants to draw similarities and see patterns in an incomprehensible world, and  when we’re scared or hurt, we lash out, and those that appear different or strange are easy targets.  In kindergarten and elementary school, it’s the kids with the funny names or the stutter or somehow stand out.  As we get older, Cookie, it’s the people who are disadvantaged or different, who don’t look like us, who don’t believe the same way we do, or who just happens to be the target of some politician trying to gain a few votes at any cost.

Stand up to the bullies, Cookie.  In the words of Martin Niemöller, speak out.

The Kid Has Taken Over

Cookie, ever since the day you came into my life, I knew that every waking moment would revolve around you.  I guess I’m still adjusting to what that means.

Mommy:  Honey, for Thanksgiving, we’ve invited Vanessa, Sophia, Larissa, and Eric.

Me: Ok.

Me: [No problem.  I can cook for four.  Wait.  Mommy just named four of your friends, Cookie.  Some days, I’m quick like that.]

Me:  So that’s fourteen people coming!?!

Mommy: Sophia’s uncle and grandmother too.

Me: Sixteen!

 

Somewhere along the way, my friends became replaced with the parents of your friends, Cookie.  When did that happen?