Cookie: Mommy, my butt itches. I think it’s dry.
Mommy: Ok. Let me get the lotion.
A short while and several globs of lotion later:
Cookie: Mommy, next time put lotion on my butt last.
Mommy: Why? You said your butt was dry, so I did it first.
Cookie: I know, but now I have butt lotion on my face.
Cookie: Mommy, where’s my goodnight kiss?
You can’t say we didn’t warn you, Cookie. Something tells me that you will listen next time.
Me: Hmmm? What happened?
Mommy: You don’t like your Frozen mouthwash?
Cookie: Bleeeeeeeeeeh! No!
Mommy: But didn’t you insist on me buying the Frozen mouthwash over your favorite bubble gum one, even though your favorite was on sale and this one was more expensive?
Cookie nodding sorrowfully: Yeah.
Me: Do you think a picture of Elsa on the label has anything to do with how it tastes?
Mommy: Will you listen to me next time and not to silly marketing?
Mommy: I guess that was $8 well spent.
Cookie in the elevator: It’s one day until Christmas Eve!
The random woman in the elevator smiles.
A random man enters.
Cookie: Hello! Do you know that it’s one day until Christmas Eve?
Random man: Yes it is. Are you excited for Christmas?
Cookie nods furiously: Yep! I can’t wait.
A short while later:
Cookie shouting while walking down the street: IT’S ONE DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE!
Yep. Someone’s excited.
Cookie: Daddy, I’m tired. Take Uber.*
*Not an Uber endorsement per se: these are the actual words from a 4 year old.
Cookie: Daddy, why does the cup that I use to brush my teeth say, “Killian’s Irish Red?”
Oh good, the internal dad filter is working today.
[Because sake bombs tricks are fun to try.]
Nope. Swing and a miss.
[Because double shot glasses (plastic, of course) are the perfect size for toddlers.]
Better, but I don’t want to answer what double shots are.
Me: Look, Cookie, don’t you like the horsey on the cup?
At least toddlers have the attention span of …. SQUIRREL!
Ever been embarrassed by the unfettered and brutal truth from the mouth of a toddler? With a fresh perspective and no inhibitions, toddlers can say whatever they want, and no adult can really deny a toddler telling the truth without digging themselves into a bigger hole. What if we could harness that power to better society?
Cookie speaking too loudly, as usual: I smell gas!
Me: No, that’s not gas.
Cookie: But it’s a bad chemical smell.
Me: There is something floating around, but it’s not gas.
Cookie speaking loud enough for the entire street to hear: It’s bad perfume!
Cookie pointing at the man in front of us: It’s him! It’s coming from him!
Me: Shhh, Cookie. Not so loud. And it’s cologne, Cookie. When men wear a fragrance, it’s called cologne.
When we caught up to the poor guy at the stop light, his face was beet red. Everyone else around us tried unsuccessfully to hide their grins. I’m guessing he’s not going to bathe himself in that bad drugstore musk in the future.