The Magic Ticket

Cookie from the bathroom: I’ve finished pooping.  Who’s going to come and wipe my butt?

Me: Paper.

Mommy: Rock.

Cookie, we can’t wait until your arms are long enough to reach your butt, but fortunately, Mommy always chooses rock first.

Me:  Looks like, you’re up.

Mommy: Awwww…

Cookie: Who won?

Mommy:  Daddy did.

Cookie:  Oh, good, Daddy won the ticket to wipe my butt.

Me:  Wait…  That’s not how it works.

I Have Something For You, Daddy, Part 2

Tonight, I came home late, and missed my daily scream greeting and hug. Fortunately I was in time for a very late bedtime.

Cookie getting out of bed:  Daddy, I have something for you.

Me: It’s really, late, Cookie, shouldn’t you be in bed?

Mommy: It’s ok.  She has something to show you.

Me, wary this time:  It’s not another poop in the toilet is it?

Cookie jumping up and down excitedly: How did you know?  Come see!  Come see!

Me disgusted but still awed:  That’s …. HUGE!

Mommy:  Yep, that’s amazing.  I told her not to flush so you could see it.

A few things to note here, Cookie.

1.  When you read these posts year later and realize that many of them revolve around poop, it’s not completely my fault.  You and Mommy play a significant part in the choice of subject matter.

2.  Even tough I’ve unfortuantely seen them occur over and over again (and get impossibly larger and larger each time), I’m still not sure how these gigantic toddler poops can came out of such a small body. If your tummy is thusly big, your stomach is probably here, and your large intestines should be… How is this physically possible?

3.  I married the right woman.

I Have Something For You, Daddy

On the nights I’m home early enough, I’m greeted by a screaming toddler, running full tilt to the doorway to give me a hug.  Cookie, that’s the highlight of my day. Today, however, the shrieking stopped a good yard before impact.  As I stood waiting for the hug, you motioned me to follow you.

Cookie jumping up and down: I have something for you, Daddy!

Me: Oh?

Cookie: Follow me.  Hurry!

Me:  What is it?

Cookie actually running:  This way.  Hurry!

Me: Why are we going to the bathroom?

Cookie:  I had a gigantic poop today, Daddy.  I saved it so I could show you.

Me: …!

Your gigantic toddler poops always made me wonder how it was physically possible for such a large thing to come out of such a small child.

Cookie beaming:  Aren’t you proud of me?

Me:  Ummm… yes.  Yes, that actually is impressive.

Me:  …but just show Mommy next time, ok?

Poop Questions

Every father of a newborn at some point wonders who fed the baby mustard, because what comes out certainly isn’t ketchup (if it is, you may consider running to the doctor).  A few weeks later, looking at dirty diapers will cause a lot of new fathers to wonder if “grey” is French for “baby.”  I still can’t unsee it, and haven’t used Grey Poupon since.

If you’re offended, sorry, I’m not sorry.  Every new parent has described the shape, consistency, color, and feel (yeah, that happens often) of poop.  Many of us have even taken pictures for medical (hey, doc, is this normal?) purposes, documentary purposes, future blackmail purposes and for, ummm… bragging rights.

Speaking of bragging rights leads me to my current question: how does a 16-inch poop (approximately) come out of a 36-inch toddler?  I’m not sure how that is physically possible.