You’re Not Normal. We Had You Tested.

It’s only natural for all parents to think that their kids are geniuses.  One moment, you’re holding a stinking poop machine that isn’t even smart enough to eat properly and can’t be trusted not to seriously injure itself.  The next moment, there’s a miniature human being asking questions that can’t be easily answered.

As part of the craziness in getting you into kindergarten in New York, we had to get you tested, Cookie.  IQ tests for four-year olds: absolutely, utterly, annoyingly crazy (and useless and meaningless and arbitrary).  Due to a scheduling problem, your testing date was inexplicably moved up a month, and we didn’t get a chance to even show you the sample problems, let alone prep you.  You were even sick on the day.  Nevertheless, we told you that you were going to play games with a special teacher and dropped you off at the psychologist.

A month later, we received your score.  Due to the craziness of New York competition for kindergartens, I have to apologize, Cookie, for being initially disappointed: your score was borderline for the school.

Sorry.  I’m very proud of you, Cookie.   You scored three standard deviations above average.

Crap.  Now I still have to figure out how to keep up with you.

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Edjukashun: We’re Doing It Wrong.

For the last year, Cookie, we sent you to a Saturday morning Chinese language class at an aftercare center near home.  One hour.  Full immersion.  Short.  Easy.

Too easy.

Mommy and I wanted something a little more challenging for you (you wanted something more challenging for you), so we signed you up for a three-hour weekend class in the middle of Chinatown.  Unlike, the local Chinese class at the non-Chinese aftercare center, the Chinese class in the heart of Chinatown is taught in English.  The teacher speaks mostly in English to teach a handful of words to kids who speak English because of the fear that parents might complain that their children won’t understand what the teacher is saying.  Immersion?  HAH.

Yes, Cookie, Mommy and I made a mistake.  Next time, we’ll head back to Chinatown… and sign you up for an ESL class.  At least that class will be taught in Chinese.

School’s Out for the Summer

Cookie through the monitor:  Cockadoodledooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mommy: Uh.  It’s 6 AM on a Saturday.

Cookie running to our room:  Wake up guys!

Me: Brrelgggghh. Wha?

Cookie:  Cockadoodledooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mommy: We have a chicken.

Cookie: I’m not a chicken.  I’m trying to wake you up.  You have to take me to camp.

Mommy:  On Monday.  It’s the weekend.  Go back to sleep.

Cookie:  But school is over.  It’s time for camp.